It will be alright on the page

Over the years I have interviewed a wide range of celebrities. One thing I was taught very early on was to remember that they need you just as much as you need them. The Faustian pact is that exposure for their performance is what fills your column inches. That said, the relationship between journalist and performer is a delicate one which needs, on your part, careful handling. In most cases you have to pander to their fragile ego and allow them to delude themselves that they are doing you a huge favour by even deigning to talk to you.

That said, the vast majority of celebrities are well aware of the game we are all playing and readily buy into it so long as you play the game as well.

Dance diva Carol Leeming was probably the first celebrity I interviewed. I had done a load of research, including distilling the promotional material her record company supplied me with, and she told me that this was very impressive as most interviewers never bothered to read what they were given and, arrogantly, assumed they could wing an interview. I took that as a lesson learned.

My next interview, Margarita Pracatan (Google her!), showed how important research was and how it can all go wrong. I was invited to a nightclub where she was performing and introduced to her backstage. The idea was that we had set up a TV camera in a VIP suite and she was going to give me 15 minutes before she went onstage to perform. It all started so well, I had a list of questions and points for discussion until I hit a couple of errors. Throwing caution to the wind I just threw my notes up in the air, laughed it off and managed to get through the rest of the interview. I vowed never again to trust only one source when researching a guest.

Sometimes, no matter how well prepared you are, fate will throw a spanner in the works. I was asked to interview the two leads in a  touring production of 42^nd Street. I arrived well ahead of schedule with my camera crew and we set up in the side room we had been allocated in the venue. Very soon James Smilie, erstwhile Prison Governor in Prisoner Cell Block H, appeared and we chatted amiably while we waited for his co-star, Gemma Craven, to arrive at the venue. A harried stage crew member popped his head round the door to tell us that Ms Craven was still 20 minutes away. Mr Smilie, bless him, started to do his calisthenic warm-up on the floor while we waited. Ms Craven eventually dashed in, all apologies for getting caught in traffic, and gave a magnificent interview. There had been little I could do in the circumstances other than wait and hope so I just sat back and chatted with the crew and James.

Other pre-arranged interviews went very well. I remember getting to spend a very pleasant hour or so with Jeffrey Holland to promote his one man show about Stan Laurel. A list of questions and my mobile phone recording the chat and we could have easily whiled away an entire afternoon. This was a man who was so experienced in playing the publicity game that, afterwards, I realised he had steered the chat and had revealed no more than he was happy to.

My encounter with the lovely Dannii Minogue was a prime example of how the management entourage surrounding artistes often colour our view of them. I had already set up an afternoon of filming at a Halls of Residence at my local university when I was told that Ms Minogue would be performing for the students that afternoon. We spent a good week trying to contact her management and publicity people to get permission to interview her but to no avail. They wouldn’t even return our calls. So, come the day, we set up the TV equipment on a landing outside her dressing room and waited for her to arrive. Soon we got word that she had jut pulled into the car park so I sent the director down to say that we were set up and could she spare us 10 minutes for an interview. He stressed that if she said no then we would pack up and leave. Minutes later he bounded up the stairs like a toddler on Haribo saying she was happy to be interviewed. Sometimes it helps if you can get to the celebrity direct.
A week later we were filming interviews at a music festival in London and she was appearing. When she saw us she ran over and we got a second interview.

For all the interviews that go smoothly or turn out well despite the circumstances there are the ones destined never to turn out right. This is what happened when we tried to interview Ms Honor Blackman. Ms Blackman was appearing at a local theatre in her one woman show and so we approached her publicity agent and asked if we could travel down to London, interview her and screen it a couple of days before she was due to appear locally. We were overjoyed when he said she would be happy to be interviewed. We duly travelled down to London from Leicester with a film crew and set up in the theatre bar where she was due to perform that night. We were so excited at getting an interview with such an iconic star that we failed to check the outside of the theatre for her promotional material. We waited and waited and eventually rang the publicity agent to find out where she was. He got back to us to say her phone was off but she must be on her way. To cut a long story short it turned out we were at the wrong theatre, similarly named but the wrong theatre. Very apologetic the agent said it was now too late as she had to prepare for the show that night. I called him the following day to apologise once more and asked whether we could do the interview when she was in Leicester for her show the next week. Thankfully she agreed so we turned up at the theatre the next week and did the interview. She was gracious and funny and very accommodating. I saw her show that night and was astounded at her professionalism and stamina for her age (74 at the time, I think). Imagine my mortification the following day when the director rang me and told me that somehow there was no sound on the tape.

Doing interviews outdoors, and especially at any kind of festival, is fraught with distractions and technical difficulties. I have done a couple of al fresco gatherings and, touch wood, they have come out OK if you factor in having to raise your voice against the background noise. They are very useful because, if you can manage to get backstage and into the VIP area, it is easy to get chatting to all sorts of people without battling your way through management reps.

Radio interviews are a lot easier than TV if only because you don’t have to look too presentable. The other thing is that you can have a list of questions and background notes right in front of you and running out of questions is every interviewer’s nightmare.

Telephone interviews are also a lot easier for the same reasons. When I was required to fill a quota of column inches every week I found that cultivating a relationship with book publishers got me telephone access to all sorts of authors; some are celebrities and some just writers but all fodder for journalists.
When I wrote for lifestyle magazines it was also necessary to schmooze up to venue owners to provide you with copy. Once again that symbiotic relationship worked both ways and once you had regular contact with a named person the columns virtually wrote themselves.
Back in the day when I was on the other end of the pen and trying to get exposure for various people and places in the press I learned very quickly that if you can provide a journalist with ready written copy then they will usually use it.
As a journalist I was always grateful for promotional material that didn’t need rewriting, especially when I was up against a deadline.

Trip Advisor review of Leicester's Curve

My frequent visits to Leicester's Curve never disappoint.
This beautiful modern theatre has the most uptodate technical facilities outside London's West End. In fact they are renowned for being so advanced that some shows struggle to find a theatre that can match its capabilities.
As a result we in Leicester often see shows that are never staged elsewhere. Recent examples are Finding Neverland and Peter Pan, a Musical.
Leicester is, therefore, fast becoming an important stop on many touring productions schedules.
The building not only houses a huge main stage and a very versatile studio space but dotted throughout the imposing theatre are several spaces which can be used for rehearsal, small studios or even meeting rooms. Such is the versatility of the architect's dream
As a taller man I find the seats incredibly comfortable with plenty of leg room. No longer do I need to book an aisle seat to avoid cramp.
With ample discounted NCP car parking next door this theatre is very accessible, especially to the disabled who are very well looked after by the capable staff.
Pre-ordering interval drinks has just got easier with a phone app which allows you to place your order any time after 6pm on the day of the performance.

Comedy Workshops at Upstairs at The Western interview

On Sunday 12 April Upstairs at The Western held their inaugural Comedy Workshop. This was the first of a short course of four sessions designed to introduce you to writing and performing your own five minute set with a view to performing it at a charity gala on 11 May for Coping With Cancer. You will also be on a bill with a professional compere and headline act at Upstairs at The Western. Not only will you be mentored by cult local comedian Dan Nicholas but you will also be guided by Artistic Director of the theatre, Gary Phillpott. And it was Gary who I went to meet to find out more about the workshops.
Gary was living in the south east, was invited to appear on an open mike comedy night and found he was quite good at it. When he moved up here to Leicester as a mature student to study script and drama writing at DMU he continued his fledgling stand-up career. But he quickly realised that while he relished the whole process of writing and refining his material, performing was not something he enjoyed.
While he was studying he got involved in the creation of the DMU Footlights, the performing social club which has, in so many universities, nurtured a huge number of successful comedy performers. DMU Footlights, with Gary's involvement, found their inevitable way to the Edinburgh Comedy Festival and have been a fixture there every year since.
Experience has taught Gary that people come into comedy and stand-up for various reasons. "Many young guys think 'Oh, I’m going to stand up in front of people because it will make me attractive to people'"
The Comedy Workshops aim to recreate the mentoring and nurturing that he learned in Footlights and help them go some way towards achieving their performing dreams and aspirations
I asked him “What do you hope to teach in these workshops?”
“Interestingly I don’t think we do teach. I think we help them think in terms of what they’ve got and what they are trying to do.
"They all want to get out there and make people laugh. Although there is currently one guy [on the course] who doesn’t want to perform, he wants to write for other people. But we do get him to deliver the material so he can feel the words in his mouth as he delivers them. Why? Because then you know how the comedian is doing it and you get to feel that.
“We try and give them experiences so that when they are writing or standing there they can say think ‘Oh yeah, I know this, I’ve done this’
“There is a logical progression as there is a performance at the end of it. We are working with these guys bringing up new material. We have two gigs booked for Coping With Cancer booked for them on the same day”
There are still places available on the course for the remaining 3 weeks. For further information email Sally at sj@off-the-fence.com

First published in Western Gazette
© Paul Towers 2015

Horoscope Nov/Dec 2009

This was a sample for a magazine which was never used

ARIES Now it may seem obvious but if you want things to change you have to make the effort. Don’t push your opinions too early, listen first and then tell them that you are right and they are wrong. Travelling could be a good start to a money making scheme. Monday will be a lucky day for you so make the effort and get out of bed for a change!
TAURUS This is a good time to get a health check. So if you haven’t yet found out where the GUM clinic is, it might be good idea to do so before the Christmas break. Keeping secrets at work will lead to devastating consequences. If you are thinking about blowing some of your student loan on that dreamt of break to Ibiza, try chatting to the ‘rents about it first. Thursdays will be a good day to try something new.
GEMINI Events will revolve around Gemini’s at this time but beware of money issues. They will end in tears if you are not careful. I am not sure how to phrase my next piece of advice except to say that an activity involving two young people and an old man will be beneficial! So maybe this month is the time to try that ever so unusual threesome! Some project that you have been responsible for will garner the recognition it deserves. One Saturday this month will provide you with a very special event.
CANCER Spending too much time with people you work with may cause you problems in the future. This means don’t shag workmates. This month will lead to some sort of involvement with musical theatre. It doesn’t mean you have to try and convert the leading man in the local production of La Cage Aux Folles! November will be full of emotion, just try not to be a drama queen! If you are romantically involved your partner will try and exert undue influence on you. Wednesdays are good for new starts.
LEO Sometimes you spend way too much time trying to be a people pleaser and not enough time being a you pleaser. Now is the time to do things that make you feel good. Put lots of energy into the workplace. Try and stick to a budget otherwise you are gonna run out of money before Christmas. You will get very upset about the organisation of a club or society that you are involved in. A Friday will be a good day for receiving financial news.
VIRGO November is gonna be pretty rubbish as far as emotions are concerned. Virgo’s should take the bull by the horns and change their routine; go to different places; meet new and unusual people. The more off the wall the better. Make sure you are in possession of all the facts before you make any major decisions. This is a good time to learn new skills. Again, Fridays will be good days for Virgo’s
LIBRA Now is a good time to catch up with old friends and family that you haven’t seen for a while. The holidays are an ideal time to do the rounds of those you are in danger of drifting apart from. Be careful about driving or operating machinery. It can be dangerous. Don’t hesitate to question things at work. You will meet someone socially who is going to be more than a friend in the future. Thursdays are your lucky day this month.
SCORPIO If you can, let your partner pick up the bill for a meal of social treat. This month beware you don’t let a friend down in their hour of need. Be wary about promising time or money for something until you have fully investigated it. Don’t be ripped off through kindness. Do yourself a favour; have a haircut or a makeover; radically restyle yourself. It will do wonders for your self esteem. Fridays are good for Scorpio’s this month.
SAGITTARIUS Close relatives will feel neglected. You have to reassure them that you have a life of your own now and, while they are still important, they are not the centre of your universe any more. A friend will ask for advice. Be careful how you respond. You may do more harm than good with an unwary word. Children can be a major drain on your financial resources so make sure you carry condoms at all times! Nieces and nephews will demand expensive Christmas Presents! Mondays will be lucky for you this month.
CAPRICORN What you say in print may be taken out of context by colleagues or employers. Make sure you are texting the right person and be especially careful what you write on Facebook! Beware you are not dragged into a love triangle. You may end up with the wrong car keys! Make sure you eat healthily this month especially. Your social life will look up this month., especially on Tuesdays.
AQUARIUS If you spend too much time studying and not enough socialising you will end up with only geeks for friends. If you have missed paying the utility bills now is not the time to try and bluff your way out of it. Bailiffs will be at the door if you are not careful. If you have a work colleague who is doing your head in, do a little sniffing around and you will find enough dirt to get them sacked. Thursday will be a good day to snoop.
PISCES Sometimes it is good to live for the day. However, if you do, you risk missing out on serious fun from long term projects. Now is the time to start planning a trip to an exotic destination. It may be work or pleasure. Maybe that gap year should be talked about more seriously. Watch your diet and you may find some odd positive side effects. If you are up front and honest with people you will find that they will support you when you need it. Sunday is usually for resting but even then, good things will happen.

(c) Paul Towers December 2009

South Africa

With technological advances shrinking the global village to the size of a mini-roundabout travelling halfway round the world in search of adventure is not just the province of Ellen McCarthy or Richard Branson. A fortnight in South Africa suddenly didn't seem such a big deal as we climbed aboard an SAA jumbo in Heathrow. The so-called 'red eye special' boards at 9pm and, 11 hours travelling later, deposits you sleepy-eyed in Cape Town at 10am (or 9am if you are lucky like us and get a following wind).
The first thing that struck us was that virtually all the customer service people we met were black. The second thing that struck us was how incredibly polite and helpful they were. The preconception of a downtrodden people struggling to emerge from apartheid was swiftly shattered. In the UK, and especially in Leicester, we take multicultural society very much for granted. It seems that Cape Town, at least, is achieving it already.
We stayed about 40km south of Cape Town in Simons Town, slap bang in the middle of the west coast of False Bay. We chose this point because it is reputed to have a high chance of viewing whales (one of our prime objectives for visiting). As it turned out we never caught a glimpse apart from the first day. However, it proved to be an excellent base for exploring the Cape. Simons Town was founded in 1687 as a winter harbour for the Dutch East India Company and has been a naval base for the British until 1957 when it was handed over to South Africa. Its seafaring connections remain to this day with a token naval base still in residence though hardly intruding on the tranquil, old fashioned look of the town.
Less than 5 minutes walk from our villa was the renowned Boulder Bay, home to the country's largest colony of Jackass Penguins. The Nature Reserve has been created to protect and display the remaining 3000 pairs. Taking advantage of the colony's liking of the beach, walkways have been erected to keep man and penguin apart (except when the birds wander into town!). The photo opportunities are countless and keep both man and bird happy and safe.
An hour's drive south from Simons Town brings you onto the mountain plains of the Cape of Good Hope National Park and Cape Point, the mythical meeting place of the Indian and Atlantic Oceans (the actual converging of the oceans is Cape Agulhas to the east). Here, also, is the nightmare of every old sea dog, the Cape of Good Hope where many a schooner floundered in the rough seas. The National Park was an opportunity for us to observe ostrich, eland and tortoises in their natural habitat. Sunning themselves on the bare rocks on the tip of the point were dassies, a local benign sort of large guinea pig; a great favourite with tourists as they just sit there almost until you tread on them.
September, when we ventured south, is early spring on the Cape. Closer to a Pole than the UK, the weather is mild (20°) but very changeable due to the mountains bordering the area. A day trip to Hermanus, about 90 mins round False Bay, took us from overcast at sea level, to rain in the mountains, to bright sunlight at our destination. The purpose of our visit was to see if the resort's reputation for near-guaranteed whale sightings was true. We parked our car right on top of the cliffs and, as we turned the engine off, beheld the first of the day's natural wonders. About 200m from the shore an adult Right Whale frolicked in the sea. A crowd of onlookers watched from the cliff-tops, just as awed as we were. No amount of David Attenborough documentaries can prepare you for the majesty, beauty and serenity of seeing these creatures in their natural habitat. As we watched, others appeared in the seas around the point. There was no sound to announce the new arrivals; just a realisation that one of the cliff-top cameras was pointed in a different direction. Reluctantly, expecting an end to our voyeuristic pleasure, we turned just in time to see the tail of the new arrival, proud of the sea, almost waving for our attention. Impossible, I know, but it seemed they knew we were there and were putting on a show.
Towards the end of the couple of hours that we spent exposing roll after roll of film, a new presence arrived. At first we thought it was just another addition to the pod until a playful belly roll revealed the black and white markings on the underside of the Right Whale's only living enemy, the Killer Whale or Orca. For the first few months of its life the Right Whale pups are vulnerable to attack from the Orca. Several will isolate the pup from the protection of its mother and force it below the surface to drown. On this occasion it appeared that the Orca was alone and unable to cause harm.
After lunch, with the whales having moved out to sea, we started back. Taking the scenic coast road rather than the direct motorway, we found ourselves snaking round the side of the mountains which climb from the sea. Thoughtfully there are little lay-bys, enough for 2-3 cars, every kilometer or so. Rounding one corner we simultaneously saw half a dozen cars pulled up and several whales playing 200 metes below us in the calm seas. For half an hour we watched and photographed the four adults and two calves as they romped. It was so calm and acoustic that the sound of them cleaning their blow holes echoed up to us like exhausts. Then a couple more arrived. Orcas. This time, empowered by being together, they set about stalking one of the pups. Just as they managed to separate it we drove off. We didn't want the inevitable conclusion to this game of chase to sour our day.
A quite evening stroll into Simonstown took us for our second visit to bertha's, the renowned restaurant in the new Quay complex next to the Post office. Unusually they have a small smoking section (mostly over here they exile you to the terrace - fine when the weather is nice but a bit testing of your nicotine addiction while the evenings are still chilly) and, not unusually, very attentive staff. On this occasion, after a liberally imbibed accompaniment to my grilled chicken breasts, we asked for a taxi for the stagger home. Unable to get one, a member of staff gave us a lift to our door. Not the kind of service you'd get with a £20 meal for two in London!
As a change from the small-town quiet of Simonstown, and to allow us to take full advantage of the city's nightlife, we booked into a beautiful Dutch cottage in the Waterkrant area, Cape Town's gay quarter. The cottage was stunning; the ground floor was a lounge and two bedrooms with the kitchen in the cool basement. At the top of the stone, wooden-stepped spiral staircase from the ground floor was the flat roofed garden.
The first day, Friday (my birthday), was hot and clear. The view over Cape Town harbour and False Bay was breathtaking. Outside the front door was shaded by a sprawling tree which provided cover for the car. Standing on the cobbled street we looked down a hill that would not have been out of place in San Francisco. Little did we realise that the penalty of being so close to the gay bars was that we would have to stagger drunkenly up that very hill at 2am!
We were only there for 3 days but we made the most of our trip Lunch at Manhattan Bar was surprisingly good; evening drinks at Bronx, even better. In between we fitted in a shopping trip to the new and deservedly proud addition to Cape Town's crown, the V & A Wharf. Shops, restaurants, bars and tourist attractions vie for the chance to deprive you of a few devalued Rand. No visit to Cape Town is complete without a trip up Table Mountain. Dominating the skyline from every corner of the city, the symbol of South Africa is the number one attraction.
We drove halfway up the mountain, parked the car and joined the small queue for the cable car. A brand new system has recently been installed to handle visitors to the mountain but, in September (spring in South Africa) only a few hardy souls are out and about and we went straight to the top. As we went up the last few hundred feet to the summit we passed a few energetic hikers and even some climbers taking the hard way to the top.
The view at the top was worth any trepidation about the ride. It was breathtaking. Our luck held for the duration and there was virtually no cloud to obscure our views south to Cape Point and east across Cape Town to Stellanbosch, the wine region. The wind on top of the mountain is constant so, after an hour and a pleasant lunch, we started back. By the time we got off the cable car we looked up to see the fabled table cloth of cloud starting to build up on the peak. While the weather held further down the slopes we decided to drive home round the other side of the mountain. A journey which entailed many hairpin bends and narrow roads cut into the mountain side. But, as so often happens, the road was eventually closed due to fallen rocks and we had to retrace our steps and come down through the less prosaic route through the city.
The next day we had booked dinner and a show at On Broadway, an American-style venue. Much as I would like to say otherwise, the meal was very average and the show, a drag duo called Mince, was adequate. Technically it was very good but it lacked any pizzazz in the costume department and, aside from 10 minutes of patter in the first half, was sadly bereft of much humour. Far too American for my taste; all clever routines and little light relief. Also, I found it disconcerting that several of the (serious) mime routines were by obviously black artistes and both the drag artistes were white!
Back in Simonstown we had a couple of days to recuperate before our last big adventure of the holiday, a stay in a Game Reserve.
Shamwari is a private Game Reserve that is committed to conservation in a big way. It is nothing like the zoos and game parks of the UK, primarily because it is spread over hundreds of acres of natural habitat. The animals live in the wild and visitors are very strictly channeled in specific areas. The Reserve is funded by visitors and Government subsidies. That said, the visitor is looked after spectacularly. Everything is included in the fee; food, wine, board and excursions. There are two trips per day and, it has to be said, that 3-5 days is more than enough for even the most enthusiastic animal watcher. In our three days we were thrilled to see, at close quarters in their natural habitat, lions, elephants, rhinos, hippos, monkeys, giraffes and a serval (cat). Along with rolls and rolls of photos we took away a host of memories of a once-in-a-lifetime experience.
Arriving back in Cape Town after a 1 hour flight from Port Elizabeth, we had a much needed early night after the drive south to Simonstown.

© Paul Towers Sept 2002

Gay Literature

Coincidentally, I have just read two biographies of two very different, but very similar, icons of the pop world. 'ELTON', by Philip Norman, and 'BRIAN EPSTEIN' by Ray Coleman are about two very well respected gays who, although never working together, were forerunners in the late sixties. Just as the boy Reg Dwight was coming out of every closet imaginable, Epstein was peaking and starting to fall toward his ignominious end. But this didn't stop either of them giving the listening public untold treasures.
The main thing they had in common, apart from their sexuality and common propensity to dramatic outbursts, was their talent for what they did. Elton John was/is a very gifted composer/pianist who can put music to someone else's words in minutes. Brian Epstein was, by virtue of his obsessional nature, the ideal person to take a raw talent like the Beatles and, Svengali-like, mould them to an acceptable public persona.
Both these books debunk several scurrilous rumours have done the rounds over the years. For instance, Epstein's interest in the Beatles, and especially John Lennon, was devoid of any sexual connotation. True, he appreciated that Paul McCartney's prettiness would be a great draw but his interest was on a business level and, the secret of his success with them, a paternal level. A closeted gay, Epstein realized that children of his own were not a reasonable expectation and vicariously parented the four musicians in a way never before experienced by any singer or group.
Elton, on the other hand, could have done with a little of Epstein's obsessive attention. Never a self confident person, the emergent Reg Dwight had to be pushed and shoved into every opportunity that shook his career. Reading his story, one wonders how one person could have such luck in being in the right place at the right time.
What comes across in these books is that both of these talents were privately very unhappy, and not because they were gay, although the pressures on them in the sixties added to their problems. No, both suffered from interminable mood swings that made them very difficult to get on with. But, both were very lucky in that they engendered a fierce loyalty and love from people around them. Elton, in particular, provoked, again and again the remark 'Well, you had to forgive him his "little moments" because he was such a nice guy', and this after he had called someone all the shits under the sun. Epstein was very similar in that his apologies were invariably accepted after his outbursts
Elton's tantrums were/are completely attributable to his insecurity. But, his professionalism was such that he was never satisfied with his public offerings and frequently refused to go on stage until reminded that his public were waiting. And then he would give the performance of his life, every night!
Epstein's moods were symptoms, again, of his insecurity. But in his case the insecurity was of not being in total control. He was quite willing to take the blame for any mistakes he made but he could not stand anyone interfering. His constant nightmare was of someone trying to take the Beatles away from him.
Neither of the men seemed to 'bitterly regret' not being straight, but both made public and private efforts to embrace the heterosexual norm. In neither case did it work, understandably.
What warmed me to both these tomes, apart from their fascinating subjects, was that neither was blaming their homosexuality for personal failings and, in both cases, their sexuality was a rather minor issue, much as the colour of their hair.
Although 'BRIAN EPSTEIN' was published in 1990 and 'ELTON' in 1991, both are still widely available -and I would recommend both for bedtime reading.

First published on Gay UK Net
(c) Paul Towers January 2000

Gay Florida

It was the middle of January, temperatures were plummeting towards zero and the prospect of a couple of weeks in the Florida sun was too good to miss. Now, I have to say straight up that January in the home of orange juice is not quite as pleasant as I had anticipated. We took a late fly drive deal with Air Tours and started off with a 7 hour delay at Gatwick while a sick passenger had to be returned to the Bahamas for urgent medical treatment. Our arrival at Orlando was scheduled for 2pm but turned out to be 9pm instead. Fortunately (!) we had pre-booked 4 nights at the biggest gay complex in Orlando, Parliament House, so were able to drive straight from Sanford Airport, down Orange Blossom Trail (not as picturesque as it sounds) to the resort (yeah, I know Orlando is miles from the sea but we are only separated from the Americans by a common language, so beware!). We had looked Parliament House up on their internet site and were impressed by the pictures, listings of nightly entertainment and plush facilities. It just shows how easy it is to hoodwink punters with a few glossy pics and careful wording. The place was a dump! Imagine a cross between the Bates Motel and a 50's Butlins camp with the morals of a cat house thrown in and you will have some idea of the standard of it. The place is a bordello. Day and night an endless parade of rent boys and their potential punters cruised the balconies and pool area. The entertainment turned out to be a bevy of drag queens miming to one number while working the audience for tips. To be fair, this is standard practice in the States. A drag show consists of a compere who does a couple of numbers and then introduces a series of serious trannies who do straight mime routines with no comedy. As none of these performers get paid to appear they are reduced to begging for money and it is accepted practice to tip an act a dollar or more just for getting up and doing their stuff. All very demeaning.
In the cold light of day the resort looked even worse so it was fortunate that we had planned to stay only long enough to do the usual tourist things. Day one, correctly anticipating major tiredness, was a half day trip to Gatorland. Located just south of Orlando on Orange Blossom Trail, this attraction doubles up as an alligator reserve with large breeding programmes and conservation/education facilities. Plenty of opportunities to get up close to alligators (not crocodiles!), snakes and even get your picture taken wrestling a 'gator made this a nice undemanding excursion before we got into hard core touristing.
Day two was Seaworld, home of the killer whales. As we had heard about a new attraction, Discovery Cove, that belonged to the same company, we phoned up to book and found that the high admission price included a one week pass to Seaworld. Bonus! A quick trip back down Orange Blossom Trail to pick up our booking confirmation and passes and it was into the wonderful world of fish for a day at Seaworld. As the weather was quite cool (64 degrees) there were no crowds and we got to see and do everything from hand feeding dolphins and sting rays to the spectacle of the Orca and sea lion shows. Equally fascinating was the arctic world that has been created to house penguins and polar bears. A complete sub zero environment means the penguins have real snow falling on them. Added to this is the obligatory glass tunnel walk through the world of sharks and manatee and then it was back outside for thrills on a couple of white knuckle rides before heading home exhausted but happy.
Our second night in Orlando, so we decided to check out what there was in the way of gay bars and clubs. We picked up a selection of freebie mags and newspapers but were disappointed to find that there wasn't much else close by Parliament House apart from Empire (a nightclub further up Orange Blossom Trail) and a couple of bars near it. After checking out the in house western bar (yup! Leather, denim and a couple of cowboy hats on guys whose stomachs hang well over their belts) we retired to bed early in preparation for the morrow's exertions.
Day three was the Universal Studios tour. We had to decide between Disney and Universal due to time constraints. Universal won and we had a great time. Although we were disappointed that the Earthquake ride was closed for upgrade we were very impressed with the rest, especially the Terminator 2 experience, one of the most entertaining attractions we had seen. Also worthy of note were the Jaws ride, Twister (you stand in the middle of a set that is destroyed by a tornado. Very Dorothy!) and Back To The Future. Again, because the weather was not great the park was quiet and we got to see everything in one day, not something you can usually do in peak season.
Our last day in Orlando was the one we were really looking forward to, Discovery Cove. The sister attraction to Sea World, it only opened last autumn and in high season there is a one week waiting list for tickets as they limit the number of visitors. There is a fast moving freshwater river surrounding the compound. At the moment it has no fish in but they do plan to stock it in the future. Contained within the area is a huge artificial tropical sea water reef containing all manner of fish including sting rays, all within your reach. Using the supplied wet suits and snorkeling gear you actually swim with the fish and can feed them as the day draws to a close. It is a very bizarre experience hand feeding a sting ray small fish. They literally suck the food from your hand into their mouths which are located on their underside. Within the tropical reef are also a couple of areas behind glass which house the dangerous sharks. You can only see these from under water so it feels like you are swimming with them without the attendant danger. The final area is the dolphin pens. Here, for a supplement, you can swim with the dolphins and interact with them under the watchful eyes of their trainers. And yes, it is true what they say about close proximity to a dolphin. It is the most relaxing thing to do and you come away with a feeling of complete contentment which lasts for at least a couple of days. That was probably the only thing that allowed us to get through our last night in Orlando and the appalling Parliament House Resort.
Next day we checked out of the bordello and set off south to the Florida Keys via Miami. We especially wanted to see South Beach the location for 'The Birdcage'. As we drove south out onto Interstate 95 we were glad to put behind us the grubbiness and tat of Orlando and look forward to the glitz and glamour of Miami.
We deliberately side-stepped gay mecca Fort Lauderdale on the way down as we wanted to see some of the less well known side of Florida. After 3 hours we arrived in South Beach Miami, home to the fabulous Art Deco district homes of Versace and Madonna. South Beach is a peninsular off the coast of Miami connected by a causeway and we found a gay friendly hotel, Hotel Shelley, on Collins Avenue, one street back from the fabulous wealth of Ocean Drive, for two nights. There is a large gay scene in both mainland Miami and South Beach. The easiest way to find it is to either pick up freebie mags in venues or check on the internet. After a gorgeous dinner at Café of The Arts we settled on the nearest club to us, Twist, and spent an evening cruising the local talent successfully. The following day we checked out the splendours of the gay beach. Miles of clean white sand dotted with lifeguard stations and liberally sprinkled with gorgeous bodies still didn't convince us to disrobe in the breezy sunshine and temperatures only just touching 70 degrees. We wandered uptown to Lincoln Road, described to us as an outdoor, gay friendly mall. It was. Late night shopping heaven. After dinner at an Italian Restaurant we decided to sample the local gay nightlife. Score, the bar next door, was not very busy but we stopped for a few drinks. We had been tentatively invited to an S&M club called Crobar by a straight guest at the hotel but we demurred as we had a long drive ahead of us the following day. This same guy had also recommended an Ethiopian Restaurant but I thought it was too much of an oxymoron to be worthwhile!
While Miami South Beach looked very nice on the seafront when you ventured inland just a couple of blocks it was a different picture altogether. We felt distinctly uncomfortable there in daylight and nothing would have persuaded me to venture away from the main streets after dark.
With the weather still on the chilly side we left Miami the next morning and headed south for the Florida Keys and warm weather, according to the Weather Channel.
The 3 hour drive south was spectacular. The Keys is a series of islands stretching 126 miles and linked by 42 bridges and causeways. The road, US 1, is signposted by mile markers which tell you how far you are from Southernmost Point in Key West and takes you through each island, or Key, and over the water between. Some bridges are mere yards long and some are miles. The longest is 7 Mile Bridge linking Marathon Key to Bahia Honda Key. The scenery is awesome and, as you get further south, the temperature rises noticeably. By the time we got to Key West it was in the 80's.
Key West was everything that we had expected of Florida but hadn't found. It is picture perfect with most of the houses old colonial style. I felt like Vivian Leigh in Gone With The Wind! All I needed was to find a Clark Gable to sweep me off my feet. What I got was a stoned New York pizza chef in the Jacuzzi, but that's another story!
We didn't have anywhere booked so we headed for the nearest Internet Café (something that doesn't exist in Orlando, by the way) and looked up gaykeywestfl.com, an invaluable guide to the gay Keys. From there we headed to Fleming Street where a lot of the gay hotels and guesthouses are located and checked into the newly refurbished, sumptuous Coral Tree Inn. This turned out to be one of a pair (its sister, The Oasis, is situated opposite) and is the ultimate in luxury self catering accommodation. We were warmly welcomed and given a guided tour of the facilities of both The Coral Tree and The Oasis; heated Jacuzzi and pool, free coffee, drinks, even videos to borrow. There were even complimentary condoms on the bedside table. The rooms were very well equipped with all the essentials a queen needs to enjoy herself in this little piece of Paradise. Everything was done to ensure you had a very pleasant stay.
Now, it has to be said that once you have looked round the town and gone on a couple of boat trips there isn't much to do in Key West apart from haunt the extensive gay scene which is centred along Duval Street. Oh well, if I must! Ambling down Duval in the evening, stopping off at bars that look interesting and popping into fascinating little shops selling bijou gorgeous thing, is a great way to wind down after a tiring day of sightseeing. We especially liked 801 Bourbon Street (inexplicably located on Duval) where we finally found a drag show that could actually be called entertainment. Divas & Dudes, a couple of doors down, combined a drag showbar on one side and a gay lap dancing club on the other. Something for all tastes! Another bar we really liked was the New Orleans House on Duval. The large front bar has huge video screens showing pop videos but out the back is what they laughingly call the beer garden which comes complete with a pool that would put many local councils to shame! But while there are plenty of gay venues the whole town is very gay friendly and you can be sure that at least one member of staff in every establishment will be gay.
Key West does not have any usable beaches. The ones they do have are made of imported sand which seeps back into the water and creates a muddy bathing area. We chose to go snorkeling with one of the many charter boats that go out to the reef and provide all equipment for the excursion. Perhaps we were unlucky because we got stung to pieces the minute we got in the water. Apparently this is unusual and only happens at certain times of the year. Never mind, we did get to see turtles swimming in the sea, avoid the odd Portuguese Man O' War and dive with barracuda on the reef. Another favourite pastime is to go to Mallory Square, grab a table on the pier bar and wait for the unbeatable sunset while sipping frozen Marguaritas. Heaven!
However, for a relaxing time in beautiful surroundings and perfect weather (so long as you avoid the hurricane season of April to June) then Key West is the perfect resort. Add to that the overwhelming sense of tolerance on the Key and it is the ideal gay destination. In fact Key West has adopted the phrase 'One big family' as its credo.
As with the rest of Florida there are loads of freebie mags to help you find your way around the gayest of the Florida Keys. Key West is not cheap but you do get what you pay for.

First published on Gay UK Net
(c) Paul Towers January 2000