Gay Florida

It was the middle of January, temperatures were plummeting towards zero and the prospect of a couple of weeks in the Florida sun was too good to miss. Now, I have to say straight up that January in the home of orange juice is not quite as pleasant as I had anticipated. We took a late fly drive deal with Air Tours and started off with a 7 hour delay at Gatwick while a sick passenger had to be returned to the Bahamas for urgent medical treatment. Our arrival at Orlando was scheduled for 2pm but turned out to be 9pm instead. Fortunately (!) we had pre-booked 4 nights at the biggest gay complex in Orlando, Parliament House, so were able to drive straight from Sanford Airport, down Orange Blossom Trail (not as picturesque as it sounds) to the resort (yeah, I know Orlando is miles from the sea but we are only separated from the Americans by a common language, so beware!). We had looked Parliament House up on their internet site and were impressed by the pictures, listings of nightly entertainment and plush facilities. It just shows how easy it is to hoodwink punters with a few glossy pics and careful wording. The place was a dump! Imagine a cross between the Bates Motel and a 50's Butlins camp with the morals of a cat house thrown in and you will have some idea of the standard of it. The place is a bordello. Day and night an endless parade of rent boys and their potential punters cruised the balconies and pool area. The entertainment turned out to be a bevy of drag queens miming to one number while working the audience for tips. To be fair, this is standard practice in the States. A drag show consists of a compere who does a couple of numbers and then introduces a series of serious trannies who do straight mime routines with no comedy. As none of these performers get paid to appear they are reduced to begging for money and it is accepted practice to tip an act a dollar or more just for getting up and doing their stuff. All very demeaning.
In the cold light of day the resort looked even worse so it was fortunate that we had planned to stay only long enough to do the usual tourist things. Day one, correctly anticipating major tiredness, was a half day trip to Gatorland. Located just south of Orlando on Orange Blossom Trail, this attraction doubles up as an alligator reserve with large breeding programmes and conservation/education facilities. Plenty of opportunities to get up close to alligators (not crocodiles!), snakes and even get your picture taken wrestling a 'gator made this a nice undemanding excursion before we got into hard core touristing.
Day two was Seaworld, home of the killer whales. As we had heard about a new attraction, Discovery Cove, that belonged to the same company, we phoned up to book and found that the high admission price included a one week pass to Seaworld. Bonus! A quick trip back down Orange Blossom Trail to pick up our booking confirmation and passes and it was into the wonderful world of fish for a day at Seaworld. As the weather was quite cool (64 degrees) there were no crowds and we got to see and do everything from hand feeding dolphins and sting rays to the spectacle of the Orca and sea lion shows. Equally fascinating was the arctic world that has been created to house penguins and polar bears. A complete sub zero environment means the penguins have real snow falling on them. Added to this is the obligatory glass tunnel walk through the world of sharks and manatee and then it was back outside for thrills on a couple of white knuckle rides before heading home exhausted but happy.
Our second night in Orlando, so we decided to check out what there was in the way of gay bars and clubs. We picked up a selection of freebie mags and newspapers but were disappointed to find that there wasn't much else close by Parliament House apart from Empire (a nightclub further up Orange Blossom Trail) and a couple of bars near it. After checking out the in house western bar (yup! Leather, denim and a couple of cowboy hats on guys whose stomachs hang well over their belts) we retired to bed early in preparation for the morrow's exertions.
Day three was the Universal Studios tour. We had to decide between Disney and Universal due to time constraints. Universal won and we had a great time. Although we were disappointed that the Earthquake ride was closed for upgrade we were very impressed with the rest, especially the Terminator 2 experience, one of the most entertaining attractions we had seen. Also worthy of note were the Jaws ride, Twister (you stand in the middle of a set that is destroyed by a tornado. Very Dorothy!) and Back To The Future. Again, because the weather was not great the park was quiet and we got to see everything in one day, not something you can usually do in peak season.
Our last day in Orlando was the one we were really looking forward to, Discovery Cove. The sister attraction to Sea World, it only opened last autumn and in high season there is a one week waiting list for tickets as they limit the number of visitors. There is a fast moving freshwater river surrounding the compound. At the moment it has no fish in but they do plan to stock it in the future. Contained within the area is a huge artificial tropical sea water reef containing all manner of fish including sting rays, all within your reach. Using the supplied wet suits and snorkeling gear you actually swim with the fish and can feed them as the day draws to a close. It is a very bizarre experience hand feeding a sting ray small fish. They literally suck the food from your hand into their mouths which are located on their underside. Within the tropical reef are also a couple of areas behind glass which house the dangerous sharks. You can only see these from under water so it feels like you are swimming with them without the attendant danger. The final area is the dolphin pens. Here, for a supplement, you can swim with the dolphins and interact with them under the watchful eyes of their trainers. And yes, it is true what they say about close proximity to a dolphin. It is the most relaxing thing to do and you come away with a feeling of complete contentment which lasts for at least a couple of days. That was probably the only thing that allowed us to get through our last night in Orlando and the appalling Parliament House Resort.
Next day we checked out of the bordello and set off south to the Florida Keys via Miami. We especially wanted to see South Beach the location for 'The Birdcage'. As we drove south out onto Interstate 95 we were glad to put behind us the grubbiness and tat of Orlando and look forward to the glitz and glamour of Miami.
We deliberately side-stepped gay mecca Fort Lauderdale on the way down as we wanted to see some of the less well known side of Florida. After 3 hours we arrived in South Beach Miami, home to the fabulous Art Deco district homes of Versace and Madonna. South Beach is a peninsular off the coast of Miami connected by a causeway and we found a gay friendly hotel, Hotel Shelley, on Collins Avenue, one street back from the fabulous wealth of Ocean Drive, for two nights. There is a large gay scene in both mainland Miami and South Beach. The easiest way to find it is to either pick up freebie mags in venues or check on the internet. After a gorgeous dinner at Café of The Arts we settled on the nearest club to us, Twist, and spent an evening cruising the local talent successfully. The following day we checked out the splendours of the gay beach. Miles of clean white sand dotted with lifeguard stations and liberally sprinkled with gorgeous bodies still didn't convince us to disrobe in the breezy sunshine and temperatures only just touching 70 degrees. We wandered uptown to Lincoln Road, described to us as an outdoor, gay friendly mall. It was. Late night shopping heaven. After dinner at an Italian Restaurant we decided to sample the local gay nightlife. Score, the bar next door, was not very busy but we stopped for a few drinks. We had been tentatively invited to an S&M club called Crobar by a straight guest at the hotel but we demurred as we had a long drive ahead of us the following day. This same guy had also recommended an Ethiopian Restaurant but I thought it was too much of an oxymoron to be worthwhile!
While Miami South Beach looked very nice on the seafront when you ventured inland just a couple of blocks it was a different picture altogether. We felt distinctly uncomfortable there in daylight and nothing would have persuaded me to venture away from the main streets after dark.
With the weather still on the chilly side we left Miami the next morning and headed south for the Florida Keys and warm weather, according to the Weather Channel.
The 3 hour drive south was spectacular. The Keys is a series of islands stretching 126 miles and linked by 42 bridges and causeways. The road, US 1, is signposted by mile markers which tell you how far you are from Southernmost Point in Key West and takes you through each island, or Key, and over the water between. Some bridges are mere yards long and some are miles. The longest is 7 Mile Bridge linking Marathon Key to Bahia Honda Key. The scenery is awesome and, as you get further south, the temperature rises noticeably. By the time we got to Key West it was in the 80's.
Key West was everything that we had expected of Florida but hadn't found. It is picture perfect with most of the houses old colonial style. I felt like Vivian Leigh in Gone With The Wind! All I needed was to find a Clark Gable to sweep me off my feet. What I got was a stoned New York pizza chef in the Jacuzzi, but that's another story!
We didn't have anywhere booked so we headed for the nearest Internet Café (something that doesn't exist in Orlando, by the way) and looked up gaykeywestfl.com, an invaluable guide to the gay Keys. From there we headed to Fleming Street where a lot of the gay hotels and guesthouses are located and checked into the newly refurbished, sumptuous Coral Tree Inn. This turned out to be one of a pair (its sister, The Oasis, is situated opposite) and is the ultimate in luxury self catering accommodation. We were warmly welcomed and given a guided tour of the facilities of both The Coral Tree and The Oasis; heated Jacuzzi and pool, free coffee, drinks, even videos to borrow. There were even complimentary condoms on the bedside table. The rooms were very well equipped with all the essentials a queen needs to enjoy herself in this little piece of Paradise. Everything was done to ensure you had a very pleasant stay.
Now, it has to be said that once you have looked round the town and gone on a couple of boat trips there isn't much to do in Key West apart from haunt the extensive gay scene which is centred along Duval Street. Oh well, if I must! Ambling down Duval in the evening, stopping off at bars that look interesting and popping into fascinating little shops selling bijou gorgeous thing, is a great way to wind down after a tiring day of sightseeing. We especially liked 801 Bourbon Street (inexplicably located on Duval) where we finally found a drag show that could actually be called entertainment. Divas & Dudes, a couple of doors down, combined a drag showbar on one side and a gay lap dancing club on the other. Something for all tastes! Another bar we really liked was the New Orleans House on Duval. The large front bar has huge video screens showing pop videos but out the back is what they laughingly call the beer garden which comes complete with a pool that would put many local councils to shame! But while there are plenty of gay venues the whole town is very gay friendly and you can be sure that at least one member of staff in every establishment will be gay.
Key West does not have any usable beaches. The ones they do have are made of imported sand which seeps back into the water and creates a muddy bathing area. We chose to go snorkeling with one of the many charter boats that go out to the reef and provide all equipment for the excursion. Perhaps we were unlucky because we got stung to pieces the minute we got in the water. Apparently this is unusual and only happens at certain times of the year. Never mind, we did get to see turtles swimming in the sea, avoid the odd Portuguese Man O' War and dive with barracuda on the reef. Another favourite pastime is to go to Mallory Square, grab a table on the pier bar and wait for the unbeatable sunset while sipping frozen Marguaritas. Heaven!
However, for a relaxing time in beautiful surroundings and perfect weather (so long as you avoid the hurricane season of April to June) then Key West is the perfect resort. Add to that the overwhelming sense of tolerance on the Key and it is the ideal gay destination. In fact Key West has adopted the phrase 'One big family' as its credo.
As with the rest of Florida there are loads of freebie mags to help you find your way around the gayest of the Florida Keys. Key West is not cheap but you do get what you pay for.

First published on Gay UK Net
(c) Paul Towers January 2000